Kya Aap Such-Much Mein Ladki Hain?

Okay, so there's a thought that has carved a permanent space in my head and has forced me to come out of my hibernation.
Recently, while discussing some random shit with one of my colleagues I got to know that there are certain things that make a girl "A Girl". Here's a few of those invaluable pointers for determining if you are a real Girl or not:

1. Shoes

Do you have a closet full of all types of footwear, ranging from wedges to stilettos to flats to... whatever?

If not, then I'm sorry to say this, but you're not a real girl. *Chowkdi No. 1*

2. Clothes

If one looked through your browser history would they find online shopping sites? Or maybe you prefer to do this the old-fashioned way, i.e. going out to shop almost every weekend? 

Do you look inside your bursting-at-the-seams armoire and shriek "Mere paas kuch nai hai pehenne ko..!" ?

No..? Sigh.. This was ati-vital.

3. Makeup

Let me put it this way: There's your original face, then there's a half-inch thick coating of I dunno what and then there's your "Oh my, how I love natural beauty" face (which is anything but natural)
Dunno about you, but that's Chowkdi No. 3 for me.

4. Roundabout (illogical) talks
You have to give an irrational helter-skelter argument.. Believe me, it's a talent.

5. Delicate Non-Existent Swearing
Never has anyone heard you utter a filthy word.. Be it shit f*ck, a$$ or b!%ch, you've never spoken these words out loud....
*I'm pretty confident we're all getting a Chowkdi on this one*

So, what gender will you designate for yourself after going through these points?
Kya aap sach mein ladki hain?

Pigeon Holes

There will be times when people will prefer to typecast you instead of trying to understand you. To them, if you’re intelligent you must be a nerd, if you prefer to listen instead of talk you’re bound to be asocial, if they know you like science they’re shocked to find you reading a romance book instead of a sci-fi one.. 

All this causes you to question if you can be yourself without being contradictory, if you should fit the mould that others have created for you, if maybe in some way you’re going against the set parameters of being.

But the truth is, there is no specific way to exist. There are no contradictions. You are who you are, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone there’s never a need to change or discard parts of yourself that don’t fit the space that people have created for you in their minds unless you really want to change. 

Be true to yourself. What’s the point of being just like everyone else? 

Yes, lets pay attention to this, because rest of our issues like terrorism and energy crisis don't exist

Unremarkable

I dissolve in the crowds
Blending and conforming
At first look
Nothing sets me apart

Closed off eyes
Open mind
Connected soul
But most still won't find the way to my heart 

Micropoetry

Suckers and fuckers
Perverts and sex demons
And roadside truckers

Raping eyes, lascivious grins
Shredded souls
Beasts within

Thoda Dikhao, Thoda Chupao

Last week on some random night I ended up watching television a little later than my usual timing because of my perpetual state of ennui and imagine my surprise when I settled in to watch a movie only to find that I was unable to hear half of the words in most of the dialogues. 

I could contend with that cause it's happened before, but what I couldn't deal with was the random fade-to-black moments, the complete skipping of some scenes and (here's where things get absolutely ridiculous) a translucent rectangle floating over a woman's chest!

Granted, the woman was supposedly a stripper and the movie was one from the 'American Pie' series, but still it's the principle of the thing.

Here's a list of things that make our television viewing experience seem like a trip down an Alzheimer patient's memory lane:

(Next few paragraphs may contain profanity or some other shit like that; if you affiliate with the RSS or the Shiv Sena please fuck off right now lest I offend your sabhya, satvik sensibilities)

·        Cut The Kiss

Apparently, the censor board has a misconception that seeing people kiss on television will make us nymphomaniacs, so they came up with the brilliant idea of cutting out all kissing scenes from the English movies.

And they don’t generally remove a scene, what they do is focus on the sides of the frame rather than the scene playing inside it.

The result- a frame full of hair!

Why would I watch that? Why??

·        Play It Slow Baby

One particular channel has found the perfect solution to fade-to-black: slow down the playback, skip the scene and then resume playing at the same speed as if nothing happened.

Makes me wonder if they’re telecasting pirated CDs.

Pitiful, just pitiful.

·        I Swear I Won’t Swear

This is so bloody common that most of us don’t even notice it anymore. There are certain words that can’t be spoken on television and radio, actually seven of them, but according to our Broadcast Ministry, there are a hundred or so.

So, what they do is they either replace these words with gentle on the ears euphemisms or they skip them altogether. Not even a beep or anything, just a blank moment where once a word resided (clear disregard of the space-time continuum).

I don’t see how a Ned Flanders style swearing will keep people away from the real thing.

I mean, I still know ‘crap’ means ‘shit’, ‘heck’ means ‘hell’ and ‘gosh darn’ means ‘god damn’ and I do use these words occasionally so what’s the point of changing them?

·        Dhumrpan Varjit Hai

A television channel can’t show a person smoking a cigarette and hence use the aforementioned translucent, floating rectangle to hide them.

So following this norm, when they decided to show an item number from a movie, they were fine with everything from the short ghaghra-type thing and the non-existent choli that the actress was wearing but there was a weird thing obscuring the cigarettes that people were taking puffs from.

Does that mean it’s not right to smoke but it’s perfectly fine to wear such stuff in public?

What I can’t wrap my head around is why does the Broadcast Ministry allow the channels to show such movies?

If you think that the audience isn’t mature enough to handle things like swearing, smoking, snogging and shagging then don’t telecast shows or movies that contain these. 

In a bid to seem open-minded and forward, we broadcast such material but then our hypocrisy rears it’s head in the form of cuts and snips and blanks.

So, either you’re willing to accept that the public knows all this and telecast everything in it’s entirety or you admit that such things make you cringe and don’t show them at all.

The choice is all yours.

Because hypocrisy will lead us nowhere.

iRec 1.0

Hello Fair, Few and Far in Between Readers!!

Today, instead of a post written by me, I will be providing you with a link to an article that had me chortling and cringing in equal measure. It's by someone named  Daniel DMello

He comes up with some seriously sarcastic and witty barbs and while you realize that they're true and you have used most of these words or phrases, you can't help but laugh at the way he presents them.

So, have a look but try not to be offended.

After all, we're like this only yaar!

Just chill ;)

PS- almost forgot to attach the link.. here it is:

http://www.cnngo.com/mumbai/life/10-more-classic-indianisms-500374